


And On That Bombshell

by sami



Series: ridiculous future bullshit [6]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
Genre: Other, Transcript Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 11:00:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25349605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sami/pseuds/sami
Summary: Tonight! I interview the worst driver...in the world.Richard looks at a man in leather trousers...And the N5 Motorworks Rulan S is on our track.
Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn
Series: ridiculous future bullshit [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1702231
Comments: 87
Kudos: 686





	And On That Bombshell

**Author's Note:**

> **Huge thanks to skeletate for chancing this as a sensitivity reader!** Seriously, without skeletate there's no way I would have actually posted this where people could read it.
> 
> Anyway. The first thing I need to tell you is that if you're here for Top Gear and you're not familiar with MDZS, almost none of this is going to make sense to you and it might actively annoy you because I played _really_ fast and loose with the actual chronology of Top Gear with regards to reasonably priced cars, which cars exist/are top of the leaderboard, and things like that.
> 
> This is Top Gear-flavoured MDZS, it is not Top Gear.
> 
> The _second_ thing I need to tell you is that if you're here for MDZS and you're not familiar with Top Gear, quite a lot of this will also make no sense to you. Or at least not be very funny, because it's ridiculously full of Top Gear references and jokes that require someone to be familiar with both to understand them.
> 
> But [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e7R3y-qwZ0) may help you to understand something about the tone of the show. It's sort of about cars. It's also very not. And [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnWKz7Cthkk) to see the attempted murder of a Toyota Hilux.
> 
> (Twitter (@SamiWriting) followers: yeah, that actually wasn't random.)

_Music plays: "Jessica"_

_Voiceover:_ Tonight! I interview the worst driver... _in the world._

_An image of someone using a fire extinguisher on wreckage that might once have been a Kia Cee'd._

Richard looks at a man in leather trousers...

_An image of the back of Richard Hammond's head. A man in a purple muscle shirt and black leather trousers is walking away from the camera._

And the N5 Motorworks Rulan S is on our track.

_An image of the Top Gear Test Track, a violet blur streaking past the camera._

_Music ends: image cuts to the Top Gear studio. The three presenters are standing together, surrounded by the audience._

Clarkson: Welcome, welcome, to an all-new _Top Gear_ , where tonight we have a rather special episode for you.

Hammond: Yes, we do. You may remember, a few weeks ago we talked about the new N5 Motorworks Rulan S, an all-electric hypercar that's said to be faster than the Bugatti Chiron SuperSport.

May: Which is a rather big claim for anyone to make, never mind N5 Motorworks. After all, N5 Motorworks are famous - if you can call it that - for making the inexpensive, fuel-efficient estate car your kindergarten teacher drove.

Clarkson: So we got in touch with N5M and asked if we could have a go on it.

Hammond: And they said yes! ... with a condition.

May: They wanted us to talk about their other cars too. No other conditions, we didn't have to say anything _nice_ about them -

Clarkson: The man _I_ spoke to actually _dared_ me to find something bad to say about the Mingjue Six. We'll be showing you that later.

Hammond: They just wanted us to tell the world they make more than two kinds of car.

May: So they sent us a fleet of them to choose from, and also a FaceTube star from Yunmeng to drive our reasonably-priced car.

Hammond: Well... You say _drive._

Clarkson: Destroy. We'll be showing you that later, too.

Hammond: But first, let's talk about the N5 Mingjue. It turns out it's _quite_ a remarkable car.

_Cut: Exterior. Clarkson is standing by an off-road four-wheel drive._

Clarkson: This is the N5 Mingjue Six. It's four-wheel drive, designed to go off-road, and the man at N5M told me it's better than anything Toyota or Range Rover have ever produced, which is a _big_ claim to make. So I brought an expert to test it with me - a man who's never happier than when he's neck-deep in mud. A man who -

Hammond, walking into view: Yes, yes, we've got a lot to get through. Shall we move this along?

Clarkson: We shall. First, we should test: does it do what four-wheel drives are supposed to do?

_Montage: The Mingjue driving through mud, across sand, pulling a caravan, pulling a caravan through mud and across sand, driving up a steep grassy hill._

VO, Clarkson: Yes.

 _Cut:_ _Clarkson standing behind the mud-spattered N5M Mingjue._

Clarkson: All right, it does the basics. But what about storage space? Can it do it under load? It turns out... yes.

_He opens the doors. The back is full of carrier bags._

Clarkson: All of the testing you just saw, we did with the back fully loaded with groceries. A week's worth of critical supplies for a family of six.

_He begins taking out the carrier bags. They appear to be entirely full of various kinds of cheese. Behind them, crates of wine begin to appear as the bags are removed._

Clarkson: So that's pretty good.

_Hammond walks into view again._

Hammond: But you may remember the time we tried to see what it would take to destroy a Toyota Hilux... and we failed. Can the N5M Mingjue stand up to the same kind of punishment?

_Montage: The Mingjue being submerged in the ocean, smashed into a tree, having a caravan dropped on it, dropped from a height, hit by a wrecking ball, set on fire, and blown up._

_Cut: Clarkson standing in front of the battered remains of the Mingjue. All of the windows are shattered, there's distinct signs of char, the paintwork is mostly gone, and the bodywork is misshapen. A man is leaning over the engine, doing something with a wrench. Hammond is in the driver's seat, clearly visible due to the lack of windscreen. The man with the wrench gives him a thumbs-up_.

Hammond: Here we go.

_He reaches towards the steering column. The engine coughs a couple of times - it doesn't sound entirely healthy, but then it comes to life and rumbles smoothly._

Clarkson: Oh my _beeping sound._

_The car slowly drives off. Clarkson looks at the camera._

Clarkson: Back to the studio?

 _Cut: The Top Gear Studio_.

Clarkson: The man from N5M dared me to find something bad to say about that car, and I am not a man who likes to lose, so here it is.

_He looks directly at the camera._

Clarkson: It's not available in a particularly wide range of colours.

_Break: Jessica riff._

_Clarkson is standing in the studio by the plinth where the Toyota Hilux rests in honour. The N5M Mingjue 6 has been mounted on another plinth next to it._

Clarkson: We'll return to the car tests later. But first, my guest tonight is - I'm told - a popular star on the Internet. Please welcome - Jiang Ying!

 _Applause. Several women scream. Jiang Ying walks out, grinning widely and waving, and sits on the green couch. He is wearing battered Doc Martens with purple laces, ripped jeans, and a faded_ The Clash _t-shirt. He has a purple sweatband on his left wrist. The audience behind the dais on which they sit is almost entirely young women, who are looking quite enthusiastic. Something with a cloth draped over it has been placed next to the lap board._

Clarkson: Welcome to _Top Gear_ , Mr Jiang.

JY: Thank you, it's great to be here. I'm sorry about the car.

Clarkson: Cars.

JY, laughing lightly: Cars, yes.

Clarkson: Don't worry too much about it, we were due to get a new reasonably priced car any year now. And as I understand it, there's a great many young women who are _very_ happy to see you here.

_Jiang Ying turns to the audience and smiles. A young woman in the audience fans herself._

JY: I'm happy to see you all here too!

Clarkson: I have to say, I'm a _huge_ fan of your videos. How ever do you decide what you're going to do for them?

JY: Usually it's just something that seemed like a good idea at the time.

Clarkson: Like letting you drive our cars seemed like a good idea at the time?

JY, laughing: Quite often, yes. But people seem to like it!

Clarkson: There's a lot to like. I'm a particular fan of your eating challenges. That one last month - you ate peppers that I'm given to understand could technically be classed as chemical weapons.

JY: Don't try it at home!

Clarkson: Believe me, I won't. I want to say, though, our researchers found something quite interesting when they were preparing for your visit.

JY: Should I be worried?

Clarkson: It's this.

_An image comes up on the monitor. It's a black-and-white photograph of three people walking together - a man who looks like Jiang Ying, wearing a top hat and tails, with a beautiful woman on each arm. All three are smiling._

_Jiang Ying smiles at the screen._

Clarkson: That's the silent movie star Lan Ying with Tallulah Bankhead and Marlene Dietrich... in 1932. Now, I understand that Ying is a very common name, and of course it's your _given_ name, not your surname, but that fellow really does look a lot like you.

JY: Classic good looks never go out of style.

Clarkson: I wouldn't know. Apparently, though, some of your fans think that that _is_ you, and that you are in fact secretly Wei Wuxian, one of the Seven Immortals.

JY: Will your viewers know who the Immortals are?

Clarkson: Oh, yes. We learn about them in school... Mostly as the reason Britain nearly lost the Napoleonic Wars after they broke our fleet.

JY: We didn't _start_ that fight.

Clarkson: True. That's the thing about fleets, really. If you don't want them broken, you shouldn't throw them at harmonious multinational alliances with better magic support than you have. It'd be like invading Britain if Merlin was still alive and there were seven of him... and one of them was a necromancer.

JY (laughing): Wei Wuxian isn't a _necromancer_.

Clarkson: Can he raise the dead?

JY (grinning): Sort of. It's complicated.

Clarkson: Honestly, I hope to live a life in which I don't have to understand the difference. What I learned in school _was_ that Britain decided to try and push the Five Nations around and the Five Nations, led by their Seven Immortals, pushed back rather harder.

JY: Don't start none, won't be none.

Clarkson: Wise words. Back to this picture, let's resolve this right now. Are you now, or have you ever been, the Immortal known as Wei Wuxian?

JY : Yes. I am Wei Wuxian.

_He winks at the camera. Audience laughter._

Clarkson: There we go. Sorted. Anyway, normally I'd ask you about your car history, but I can't imagine it's very good. Let me just ask you this. Have you ever owned a car you _didn't_ crash?

JY: Technically, yes!

Clarkson: How did that happen?

_The audience laughs._

JY, looking shifty: I never actually drove it. I bought it and it was in my name, definitely, but my husband always drove. He wouldn't let me.

Clarkson: You're married?

JY: Oh, yes. I'm too pretty to stay on the shelf for all those centuries, you know.

_Faint disappointed murmur from the audience, some laughter._

Clarkson: Your husband is a very wise man not letting you drive. Shall we show the audience what happened on your practice laps?

JY: Do we have to?

Clarkson: Yes.

_Cut: The Kia Cee'd at the Test Track starting line._

_VO, Clarkson:_ This was your _first_ try.

_The Cee'd starts off._

_VO, Clarkson:_ Here we go. First corner, picking up speed, quite a lot of speed under the circumstances, and... straight into the tyres.

_Cut: Closeup of the front of a Kia Cee'd, a tyre wedged into the air intake and the front of the engine compartment buckled._

_Cut: The Kia Cee'd at the Test Track starting line._

_The Cee'd starts off._

_VO, Clarkson:_ In the backup car now, and here we go. Past the tires, this time, time to slow down for the Hammerhead - no, you didn't slow down.

_The Kia Cee'd comes off the track and rolls across the grass. People come running._

Clarkson: Did you know, you're only the second person _ever_ to come off on Hammerhead after Michael Parkinson. You might not know who he is, actually, but he's a great man.

JY: No, I know him. It's an honour to follow in his tyre tracks.

JY: Even he didn't roll the damn thing.

_Cut: Kia Cee'd at the Test Track starting line._

_VO, Clarkson:_ I honestly can't believe you were still trying, or that we were still letting you. You were in the automatics before, now we've given you the _manual_ , this can't go well.

_The Cee'd starts off. There's a horrible crunching, grinding sound, and it drifts to a stop again._

_VO, Clarkson:_ So much for that gearbox.

_Cut: The Kia Cee'd at the Test Track starting line._

_VO, Clarkson:_ Now, this is our last functional Cee'd. Can we hope you're not going to break it?

_The Cee'd starts off._

_VO, Clarkson:_ You've made it away from the starting line and that's _good_. Past the tires, through Chicago, _slowing_ for the Hammerhead, well done, and you're into the Follow-Through.

_The Cee'd hits something and flips into the air before landing with an almighty crash. Crew members can be seen running towards the wreck._

_Cut: Jiang Ying pulling himself from the wreckage. Smoke is pouring off the Cee'd, but one of the crew is applying a fire extinguisher._

_Cut: The interview area at the studio. Clarkson looking flabbergasted._

Clarkson: Honestly, thank God you weren't _killed_ , but how on _Earth_ did you manage to come off that badly on the Follow-Through in a _Kia Cee'd_? That looked more like a Formula One crash.

JY: Eheh. I don't know, really. Seems like a very safe car, at least. Sturdy.

Clarkson: It _was_. Apparently _you_ are why we install roll cages in the reasonably priced car. Still, we didn't want to have a show without an actual lap in a reasonably priced car to show the ladies and gentlemen, and it turns out you didn't come here alone.

JY, smiling: I didn't, no.

Clarkson, to camera: Some say that he gets blackout drunk after drinking only half a glass of wine. And that he once proposed marriage to a man... with a chicken. All we know is... he's _not_ the Stig. But he is the Stig's GusuLan cousin!

_The crowd cheers. Another man walks into view and sits next to Jiang Ying. He's wearing a pristine white racing suit and a white helmet with a heavily tinted visor. As he sits down, straight black hair is seen sticking out from the back of his helmet. There is a white ribbon tied around the helmet, above the visor._

Clarkson: Welcome, Gusu Stig!

_The Stig's GusuLan cousin appears to be looking at him, but says nothing._

Clarkson: Yup, he's definitely related to the Stig. Now, by the time he took over, we'd run out of Cee'ds that still worked, so we had to send him round in the _old_ reasonably priced car, the Suzuki Liana. We don't have a lap board for celebrities in that any more, so we're going to have to use this.

_He pulls the cloth off the object next to the lap board: it's the lap board for Formula One drivers._

JY: Formula One! That seems a bit unfair, doesn't it?

Clarkson: It's the lap board we have. No-one will judge him for coming last on this, at least.

_Jiang Ying's smile becomes very sharp._

JY: No, I meant unfair on _them_.

_The audience laughs._

Clarkson: I like a man with confidence. Shall we see the lap?

JY: Please!

_Cut: The Suzuki Liana at the Test Track starting line._

_VO, Clarkson:_ Here we go. And he's off!

_Cut: Interior of the Liana. GusuLan Stig is shifting gears as the engine note rises._

_Cut: Returns to the exterior view._

_VO, Clarkson:_ GusuLan Stig looks focussed, intent. He's out to earn his raw pork treats - does he get raw pork treats? What do you give your Stig?

 _VO, JY:_ Tea.

 _VO, Clarkson:_ Earning his tea. Coming around Chicago, and that line is - perfect, actually, and he's into the Follow-Through.

_Cut: Interior of the Liana. GusuLan Stig is changing gears._

_VO, Clarkson:_ Looking very composed, and so is the car.

_Cut: Exterior again._

_VO, Clarkson:_ Second-to-last corner, and that line looks perfect too actually, around Gambon, and... across the line!

_Cut: The interview area. GusuLan Stig appears not to have moved, but Jiang Ying has leaned towards the screen, draping himself across GusuLan Stig's knees._

JY: What was the time what was the time!

Clarkson: Let's see. The _slowest_ lap we have here on _this_ board is one forty-seven point one by Mark Webber. That was a very wet lap, mind you, and today's weather was lovely.

JY: It was lovely. What was the time?

Clarkson: We looked up the times we _did_ have on the Liana leaderboard, and the fastest lap we had in the Liana from someone who's _not_ a Formula One driver was Dame Ellen MacArthur. She did one forty-six point seven.

JY: Hurry up! Are you always like this?

Clarkson (after a pause): Yes.

_He pulls out a white strip, and writes on it as he speaks._

Clarkson: GusuLan Stig. You did it in one...

JY: Well _obviously_.

Clarkson: Forty...

JY: Yes?

Clarkson: Two...

_The audience gasps. The fastest Formula One driver lap times are Daniel Ricciardo (1:42.2) and Lewis Hamilton (1:42.9)._

Clarkson: Dead.

_Jiang Ying makes a delighted noise and grabs GusuLan Stig by the shoulders, kissing the front of his helmet._

_Clarkson puts the strip on the leaderboard, at the top. It reads: "GUSU STIG 1:42.0"_. _Clarkson looks at GusuLan Stig._

Clarkson: I have to ask. How the _hell_ did you do that?

_GusuLan Stig looks at him silently._

JY: He's just that amazing.

Clarkson: That was definitely amazing. Did you just kiss him on the helmet?

JY: Not for the first time.

_Clarkson makes a show of looking at his watch._

Clarkson: This goes out before the watershed, so I think we'll leave that there. Ladies and gentleman, the fastest man - if he is a man, of course - _ever_ to go round our track. GusuLan Stig!

_The audience cheers and applauds. Jiang Ying can be seen gazing adoringly at GusuLan Stig._

_Break: Jessica riff._

_Image: Top Gear studio. James May and Richard Hammond, standing next to a car; it's an estate car, on the small side, not remotely flashy._

May: N5 Motorworks offered us a range of vehicles to choose from. We drove a lot of them around, and in the end we decided that it really is a shame that we think of N5M as the people who make the car your kindergarten teacher drives.

_He pats the bonnet of the car. The camera angle changes to show the badge: the N5M Qionglin._

Hammond: In the last few years they've really expanded what they offer. We couldn't narrow it down to just one or two more to show you. So in the end, we made a film about all of them.

_Cut to: a long shot showing a long row of gleaming vehicles lined up on the Top Gear Test Track._

_VO, May:_ And they really do have quite a wide range. We didn't want to get the names wrong, so we've taken the very unusual step of asking a guest to help us with a film - because it turns out the names are actually rather important.

_The camera begins a series of lingering shots of each vehicle._

_A large, stately-looking car._

Hammond: What you see here is from the higher end of the N5M luxury range. It's popular for diplomats' cars and things like that. We'll show you why in a moment.

Jiang Ying's voice: Qiren.

_A compact hatchback._

May: Here we have a hot hatchback. It's fast and fun and Jeremy says he wants one.

JY: Jingyi.

_A two-door convertible, with elegantly curved lines._

Hammond: This little sports car is like a Mazda MX5... only better.

JY: Huaisang.

_A motorcycle, sleek and dangerous-looking, with stylised purple lightning on the fairing._

May: This is the motorcycle Richard Hammond wants for his birthday now... every year.

JY: Ziyuan.

_A four-door sedan, expensive-looking, with subtle hints of gold paint here and there on the bodywork where it catches the light._

Hammond: If you wanted a BMW M series or an Audi, but you _don't_ want to look like a cock, you want this.

JY: Zixuan.

_A selection of vehicles in succession._

May: If you wanted a Lancia but need to be able to drive in rain, there's this.

JY: Zizhen.

Hammond: If you wanted an Alfa Romeo but have places you need to get to on time.

JY: Xuanyu.

May: No matter who you are or what you want, N5 Motorworks have the car for you.

_Cut: Interior of a spacious car, view from possibly the rear-view mirror. It's very quiet. James May is driving; Hammond is in the spacious back seat with Jiang Ying._

_Cut: A closer angle from the front corner of the back seat area, nearer Hammond. He's looking at the camera; Jiang Ying is looking at Hammond, looking amused._

Hammond: We're in the N5M Qiren.

_He says the name very very carefully, and very nearly correctly._

Hammond: Now, you're probably noticing the _acres_ of creamy leather and the ample amounts of room back here, but that's not actually the main selling point of this car. This is from a commercial for it.

_Cut: a slick professional edit of a car driving through busy streets. Cut: interior of the car, where a woman with a lap desk is doing calligraphy with a brush and ink. Cut: Closeup, smooth, elegant lines._

_Cut: Back to Hammond and Jiang Ying._

Hammond: N5M _claim_ that the ride in the -

JY: Qiren.

Hammond: - is so smooth that you can even make delicate art in it. So we thought we'd test that. James is going to drive us around the track, and I'm going to do some painting.

_He reaches into the footwell, and pulls out a lap desk and a set of paints. Jiang Ying has a hand over his mouth. He looks like he's covering laughter as Hammond pours water from a bottle into a cup and then picks up a brush._

_Cut: Still the back seat of the car, but text on the screen says_ "20 minutes later..." _and Jiang Ying now appears to be playing with his phone._

Hammond: And done.

 _Jiang Ying looks over and makes an approving sound._ _Hammond holds up a small, simple yet creditable watercolour painting of a pastoral scene with a motorcycle in the middle. In the process, he knocks over his glass of paint-water, which falls over onto the seat._ _Jiang Ying yelps and scrambles to avoid it._

May, offscreen: Richard, you bloody idiot!

_Cut: May, Hammond and Jiang Ying standing outside the NMR Qiren. Jiang Ying is now wearing the trousers from a Stig-style racing suit._

May: All right, Jiang Ying needed new trousers, but it wasn't the car's fault. But this is what we mean when we say that the names are important.

_May turns to Jiang Ying._

May: Mr Jiang Ying, sir. Why is this car called that name?

_Jiang Ying's smile is slightly sad._

JY: Lan Qiren was a great teacher in the Gusu Lan Sect, who led the defence of Gusu during the Sunshot Campaign. He lived over a thousand years ago, but his teachings are still remembered and honoured to this day. He raised his two nephews, Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen, two of the Immortals.

_Cut: the line of vehicles._

_VO, May:_ Remember those others we showed you?

_Jiang Ying is walking among the vehicles. James May is following him._

JY: Jin Zixuan was the husband of the Immortal Jiang Yanli and the leader of the Lanling Jin Sect. Lan Jingyi was the closest friend of Lan Sizhui. They were the best of friends from when they were very small children. Nie Huaisang was the younger brother of Nie Mingjue, the leader of the Qinghe Nie Sect, who was the sworn brother of Lan Xichen and Sandu Shengshou. Yu Ziyuan was the mother of Jiang Yanli and Sandu Shengshou, and a remarkable and admirable woman.

_Jiang Ying rests a hand on the roof of the humble N5M Qionglin._

JY: Wen Qionglin was the leader of the Qishan Wen Sect, who rebuilt it after evil leaders had almost driven it to destruction in the Sunshot Campaign, the last major war to be fought among what is now known as the Five Nations. He was the younger brother of Wen Qing and the sworn brother of Wei Wuxian, and they loved him very much.

May: All of these cars are named after people.

JY: Yes. Real people, who lived, and loved, and were loved. They were the family and friends of the Seven Immortals when they were young and the world around them was very dangerous. They were as much a part of building the Five Nations we have now as the Immortals themselves.

_There are tears in his eyes, though his voice is steady._

JY: Have you heard it said that a person doesn't truly die so long as their name is still spoken?

May: I have, yes.

_Jiang Ying smiles._

JY: Their names are still spoken.

_Cut: Closeup on an open booklet. It looks like the owner's manual for a car. As is often the case, the booklet is clearly printed in many languages. The camera has zoomed in on the section in English. Visible: a paragraph summarising the accomplishments of Lan Qiren._

_VO, May:_ The owner's manual for each car has a short biography of the person it's named after. And the N5M website has more.

_Cut: Camera mounted on a helmet showing Richard Hammond's face through the visor._

Hammond: You would imagine with a history like that, N5 Motorworks would have a pretty solid commitment to making things properly.

_Long shot: an N5M Ziyuan powering smoothly around the Hammerhead._

_Cut: The N5M Mingjue, on its new plinth in the studio._

_VO, Hammond:_ And they do.

_Cut: James May, leaning against the bonnet of the N5M Qionglin._

May: It turns out your kindergarten teacher knew a lot more about cars than you thought.

_Cut: Studio. Audience applauding._

Clarkson: Time for the news!

_The camera tracks to the news area._

Clarkson: Now - actually, I still want to talk about the N5M cars. I wasn't kidding, I _want_ that hatchback. Excitement for money, the Jingyi is the best hot hatch in the world.

Hammond: I know what you mean. It's not _quite_ as good as the Fiat 500 Abarth, but it's a hell of a lot cheaper.

May: It's cheaper than the standard Fiat 500, and I think I'd rather have the Jingyi.

Hammond: I want a Mingjue. And a Huaisang. And - well, all of them, really.

May: How come we only know them for efficient, cute little estate cars driven by kindergarten teachers?

Clarkson: I actually know the answer to that. James, how many people are there in the Five Nations?

May: About one point two billion, isn't it?

Clarkson: Just about. Now some of those are children, but not _all_ of them. Would you care to guess how many cars the Five Nations imported last year?

Hammond: Two hundred thousand.

Clarkson: A hundred and eighty-seven.

Hammond: I was close!

Clarkson: No, not a hundred and eight-seven thousand. A hundred and eighty-seven _cars_. Pretty much everyone in the Five Nations drives something made by N5M. It's a huge market, and everyone buys domestic.

Hammond: Well, you can see why.

Clarkson: You can. But it means that they're only just now starting to bother about selling cars in the rest of the world, and there's a very specific reason why.

May: What's that?

Clarkson: They're eco-mentalists. They think everyone else's cars are too inefficient and polluting. This is what a thousand years of peace and prosperity does to people.

Hammond: What, makes them care about the health of the planet and spend more time designing engines than bombs?

Clarkson: Yes. You'd never see _them_ making a V-12 tunnel-blaster that gets eight miles to the gallon. They'll put out something that can leave one in its dust while getting thirty at worst.

May: Monstrous.

Hammond: Is that why they've made their electric hypercar?

Clarkson: Mmhm. I was talking to a bloke from their head office. The design brief for the Rulan S was not to bother even slightly about the price, but to come up with something that was as good as it was possible for an electric car to be. Just to show what they're capable of.

May: We'll have to see how that turned out.

Clarkson: Later. There's another thing about their cars, too. Did you notice that even the ones with petrol engines are really quiet?

Hammond: The Mingjue isn't.

May: Well, our one isn't, but it was when we got it. It sort of got louder the more ways we tried to break it.

Clarkson: I had dinner a few days ago, with _a man_. He works for their engineering division, and he told me that _engine noise_ is _bad_.

Hammond: What? Engine noise is _beautiful_ , it's music for the petrolhead in all of us.

Clarkson: I know that and you know that, but according to the engineering division of N5 Motorworks, making noise requires energy, and energy spent on noise is energy wasted.

Hammond: No, it's energy spent on _making noise_. That's not a waste.

Clarkson: I like engine noise a _lot_ , as you know, but I think I might be willing to trade it for half a second off nought to sixty time or another hundred miles between trips to the pump, to be honest, especially because _they've_ come up with _this_.

May: Is this some actual news?

Clarkson: Yes! In our news segment, I don't know how it happened.

_An image comes up on the TV screen: a closeup of interior panelling on a car, showing a little screen-covered line cut into the doors._

Clarkson: What you're seeing there is an optional extra they're introducing into their cars. It's a speaker system that runs throughout the car that _they say_ provides a perfect replica of the sound of an inefficient engine that will be attuned to everything _you_ do while you're driving.

Hammond: So, what, it'll sound like a regular car?

Clarkson: Mmhm. You can even choose your engine note. You can make a Jingyi sound like a Ferrari Daytona.

May: So what you're saying is, N5M have announced an optional extra for you to make believe your car's engine is a design they think is worse.

Clarkson: Yes.

Hammond: Do you think they're making fun of us?

Clarkson: Yes.

Hammond: If I can drive a Jingyi that sounds like a Daytona, I think I'm all right with that.

May: Speaking of hot hatchbacks, Renault have announced a new edition of the Clio.

Clarkson: And if you buy it, you're an idiot, because you could spend two thousand pounds less on a Jingyi that sounds like a Ferrari Daytona.

Hammond: Is today's news segment a waste of time because we're just going to say that every car we talk about is just not as good as something N5M put out?

May: Yes it is.

Clarkson: So let's move on, because we've got a film about something much, much better than anything we've shown you yet tonight.

_Break: Jessica riff._

_Top Gear studio. The three presenters are standing in front of a gleaming purple car that looks like the concept of speed given physical form. It's long and low and beautiful. Jiang Ying is standing next to Hammond, grinning._

Clarkson: And now what we've all been waiting for. This is the N5 Motorworks Rulan S. It's an all-electric hypercar that N5M claim is the fastest car... in the world. But first...

_Clarkson looks at Jiang Ying._

JY: Jin Rulan was the eldest child of Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan. After his father's death he was the leader of the Lanling Jin Sect, and he was strong and just and kind.

Clarkson: We've been wanting to get a closer look at it since it was announced, and we finally did. Play the tape!

_Cut: A shot of the Rulan S pulling in to the Top Gear Test Track._

_VO, Clarkson:_ This particular Rulan S - the right-hand drive model, which was nice of them, and also means the controls are in English - was actually delivered to the Top Gear track by the man who owns it. You might wonder what sort of a man owns a six million pound car and delivers it here himself. Well, he didn't want his face on television, but...

_Cut: A well-built man walking away from the camera. Jiang Ying is visible on the edge of shot; the man appears to stop briefly to speak to him. The back of Richard Hammond's head is briefly visible before the camera tracks away, following the man, who is wearing tight black leather trousers and a form-fitting sleeveless purple shirt. A wide black leather cuff is visible on one wrist._

_VO, Clarkson:_ The owner's appearance seemed to be very distressing to some of our production crew.

_The camera pans across to two women, both wearing lanyards and white lab-style coats. One of the women has her jaw literally hanging open. The other appears to be biting her clipboard. Behind them, a man appears to be watching so intently that he walks into the side of a production vehicle._

_Cut, studio:_

May: What was he saying to you?

JY: ... nothing.

Hammond: He said if Jiang Ying even sat in the driver's seat, he'd break his legs.

Clarkson: Very sensible. Anyway, after the owner had _rippled_ away, we got to drive his car.

_Cut: Clarkson in the driver's seat of the Rulan S._

Clarkson: Now, normally, on a track like ours, I'd turn the traction control off, but the Rulan S doesn't have an option for that. I asked them about it, and they said that while it's not fitted as a driver option, it's technically possible to do it - and then they did it. They laughed in a bit of an odd way when they did it, mind you, so let's see what happens. You can't hear anything, this is electric, so I'll just have to tell you that I'm setting off... now.

_An odd squealing sound is audible._

Clarkson: Spun the tires a bit. Goes against my nature, but... I'll try accelerating a bit more gently.

_Squealing. James May peers in at the window._

May: Clarkson, you lead-footed imbecile. Get out and let me do it.

_Cut: May in the driver's seat of the Rulan S._

May: He's _such_ an idiot. Now, _gently_ on the throttle -

_Squealing._

_Cut: The exterior of the Rulan S. It's moving, a little bit, but the tires are spinning and starting to smoke._

_Cut: May in the driver's seat of the Rulan S._

May: I think we should ask them to turn the traction control back on.

_Cut: Clarkson in the driver's seat of the Rulan S._

Clarkson: I've heard a lot of manufacturers claim that their car is just _so_ powerful that you _have_ to have traction control or it'll spin its wheels all the way up. This is the first time I've driven one where it's actually true.

_Extended sequence: Clarkson explaining the technical details about the car as he drives around the track; suspension, self-adjusting aerodynamics, weight distribution and drive systems._

Clarkson: You might think with this much technical wizardry, the Rulan S might feel a bit too... remote, too mechanical, too video-gamey to drive.

_Clarkson reaches towards the dashboard._

_Cut: closeup of a switch as Clarkson's hand flicks it from ROAD to TRACK._

_Cut: Clarkson grinning._

Clarkson: But it doesn't.

 _Cut: External shot of the Rulan S whipping through a corner, staying flat and highly controlled_.

_Cut: Clarkson._

Clarkson: It's the most astonishing car I've ever driven. No matter what you do with it, it feels like the car still thinks you're not going fast enough. It's not like a Lamborghini, that's trying to lure you into going fast enough for it to get the chance to kill you. This just wants speed for speed's sake. It _wants_ to go faster, faster, _faster_ -"

_Cut: The Rulan S spinning out in a cloud of tyre smoke._

_Cut: Clarkson. He speaks in a thoughtful tone of voice._

Clarkson: If anything, I think this car actually thinks too highly of you. It will lure you into trying to drive faster than you're actually good enough to go. It doesn't feel like it's _trying_ to kill you... but it does still feel like it might.

_Cut: The driver's seat camera. The seat is empty but the door is open, and Jiang Ying, smiling impishly, comes up and starts to get in._

_Hammond, offscreen:_ No you don't!

_Hammond comes into shot, grabbing Jiang Ying's arm and pulling him away._

_Hammond, muffled:_ The biggest condition he put on letting us borrow it was not letting you in it, and I haven't had a go yet. Don't you dare!

_Cut: An extended discussion of power, weight and battery life, voiced over long, lingering shots of the Rulan S looking beautiful in the sunlight._

_Cut: Studio, audience applauding._

Clarkson: It's a hell of a car. Honestly, the best car I've ever driven, bar none. I don't even mind that it's electric.

Hammond: It is a bit strange to be going _quite_ that fast in total silence. You can actually hear the aerodynamics.

Clarkson: We could go on about what an amazing car that is for hours, but I know what you're all really wanting to know. Just how fast does it go around our track? To find out, we put it in the hands of our tame racing driver. Some say that he, too, has to be plugged in between uses. And that he's recently developed a passionate hatred of the distant nation of Gusu. All we know is... he's called the Stig.

_Cut: The N5 Motorworks Rulan S at the test track starting line._

Clarkson: And he's off! Taking off in electric silence...

_Cut: The interior of the Rulan S. Guqin music is playing softly._

Clarkson: He's listening to music from Gusu today, it helps to fuel his rage. I think this is the first Stig family feud we've ever seen. Coming up on Chicago, now. Through Chicago in electric silence and on to the Hammerhead, barely slowing down. This thing really does corner like it's on rails. Into the Follow-Through - I can hardly keep up, just look how fast he's taking the corner. Second-to-last corner now, just a _blur_ , round Gambon... and across the line!

_Cut: Studio. Clarkson, Hammond and May are standing by the lap board._

Clarkson: Fastest car we've ever had round here is the Caparo T1, that did one ten point six.

May: I actually think this might even be faster than the Caparo.

Clarkson: Really?

May: Really.

Hammond: I'm not sure. This thing is electric and we know it's going to be a _lot_ heavier. It's _unbelievably_ powerful and it corners like an F1 car, but I think the weight might be a problem. It's definitely the fastest electric car we've ever had. I don't know if it'll be the fastest car ever.

Clarkson: We shall see.

_Clarkson pulls out a white strip and a marker._

Clarkson: The N5 Motorworks Rulan S. Named after Jin Rulan, the son of Jiang Yanli, who led the Lanling Jin Sect after the death of his father...

 _Clarkson looks offscreen_.

 _Jiang Ying, offscreen:_ Jin Zixuan.

Clarkson: Yes.

Hammond: May they always be remembered. Stop stalling and tell us the time.

_Clarkson looks at his watch._

Hammond and May: CLARKSON.

_Clarkson grins and clears his throat._

Clarkson: The N5 Motorworks Rulan S did it in one...

_He stops._

Hammond: YES, OBVIOUSLY.

Clarkson: Minute.

Hammond: Not an hour? You don't say.

He looks up at the lap board. Hammond taps his foot impatiently.

Clarkson: Ten.

Hammond: _Ten!_

May: Point?

Clarkson: Two.

_Clarkson puts the strip at the very top of the board._

Clarkson: It's not just the fastest electric car we've had. Ladies and gentleman, the N5 Motorworks Rulan S. The fastest car we've ever had, full stop.

_Audience cheers._

Clarkson: And on that bombshell, it's time to end. We'd like to thank N5 Motorworks, the owner of this amazing car, Gusu Lan Stig and our guest Jiang Ying. Good night!

_Closing credits: Jessica._


End file.
